Marriage: The Key Ingredient

Over the past couple of decades, I have counseled with a large number of married couples that were seeking biblical advice on how to either improve or repair their marriages. While I have found that marriage problems, and the biblical solutions to those problems vary, there are typically some key ingredients missing when Christian marriages begin to falter. In order to provide better counsel, I have intentionally looked for common issues that come up when couples share with me their daily relational difficulties. Today, I wanted to disclose what I believe to be a key, if not the key ingredient, that must be present in any fulfilling and God-honoring marriage. Sadly, I have found that his ingredient is too often missing among Christian couples. That ingredient is grace!

As Christians, we love to talk and to sing about God’s grace. We love to read books about it and hear sermons about it. We celebrate the fact that salvation itself has been offered to us through the free unmerited and undeserved favor of God. It is truly amazing! However, do we as joyfully imitate this wonderful attribute of God as we sing about it? What I have observed in struggling marriages is that many times a husband and wife are not willing to extend the same free and unmerited favor to one another that God has extended to them. When grace is absent, performance based acceptance and self-centered attitudes prevail which will eventually destroy a marriage.

What does grace practiced between a husband and wife look like? First of all, needs will be met and goodness will be expressed unconditionally. When grace is present, needs are not met based upon whether a spouse earns it or deserves it. Showing goodness is not dependant upon the possibility of the gesture being reciprocated. It is done solely as an act of obedience that glorifies God by reflecting His nature and character. Romans 5:6 says “For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.” When Jesus came to earth He came to glorify the Father by expressing goodness to us through meeting our most significant need, our need of salvation. He did this while we were His enemies dead in trespasses and sins.

Listen to the condition we were in when God extended His grace to us “you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others.” (Eph. 2:2-3) Jesus died for uncaring, self-absorbed, and wicked people like you and I who instead deserve God’s wrath. How could we withhold goodness from our mates or refuse to meet their needs because they sometimes do not treat us the way we believe we deserve? Grace requires us to show goodness to our spouse by meeting their needs regardless of merit.

Second, grace in practice always includes forgiveness. Colossians 1:13-14 says, “He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.” There is nothing we can do in our own effort to earn or gain forgiveness and acceptance from God. It is only through faith in the shed blood of Christ that we may be cleansed from all unrighteousness. Should we not as freely extend forgiveness to our mate when they wrong us? Paul encourages us in Ephesians 4:32 “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Are you harboring unforgiveness towards your spouse for something they have said or done? If so, grace requires that you grant them the same undeserved pardon that God, through Christ, has granted to you.

Expressing grace in marriage can only happen when a husband and wife completely depend upon the supernatural ability that comes through their surrendered relationship to Christ. It isn’t easy, but it is required. Graciously, with what God requires He provides the desire and the ability to accomplish for our good and for His glory! “For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God.” (2 Cor. 4:15)